He stepped inside onto a wooden floorboard, seeing ahead of him, metallic floors, wildly twisting struts stretching to the ceiling, scattered with oddly colored lights: an octagonal antechamber, with a flashing, chirping island of equipment in its center.
"It's-it's-" Sam began, as he gazed about himself, awed. What the hell was this...Tardis...
"Bigger on the inside?" The Doctor prompted enthusiastically.
"I was going to say more like tripping."
"Touche." The Doctor sounded somewhat insulted.
Sam shook his head, brushing sweat and hair out of his eyes.
"No, no, it's incredible. It's like nothing I've ever seen, and-believe me. I've really seen it all."
"Not all. Hardly all of it! You haven't left your earth, have you?" The Doctor was getting more excited by the moment.
"Yeah, sorry, I have. Heaven. Hell. Parallel universe thanks to a, uh, friend of ours," Sam replied, feeling distinctively like a killjoy. Somehow this guy was taking such a childlike pleasure from this. His bewilderment. Weird guy. Doctor...whatever kind of name was that...
"Heaven? Hell? Are you kidding me?" His voice rose in sheer excitement. "I've never been to either! How is it you've been to both and I haven't?" The last bit sounded almost…sulky, Sam decided.
Imagine that…sulky about not having seen Hell?
'You have to die first. Kind of ruins the whole 'just a visit' thing." Sam replied, pacing up a ramp towards the machinery core in the center of the room.
"Oh, true, that is. Although disappointing, I have to say. Don't suppose they offer tourism!"
"Not really into that side of things," Sam replied. Yeah. Crowley would take tourists. Fee of passage, one soul...
"Too bad. Their loss."
"Yeah, their loss," Sam muttered absently, still reeling with amazement from his view of the inside of the not-just-a-box box.
"Now that you've seen her, we can go," The Doctor said. "I'd usually offer a complimentary trip, but that isn't quite possible at the moment."
"Well, what I've got isn't quite as...expansive...but, it will do. Where do you need to go?"
"Well, something to eat would be brilliant, really. Crash landing isn't all it's cracked up to be."
"OK. Town's just a few miles east."
Sam and the Doctor exited the Tardis, the Doctor locking it with a skeleton key from the outside.
"So you'll just leave it here?" Sam asked.
"Yes. Why, after all, those blue doors withstood the assembled hordes of Ghengis Khan. I doubt there's anything here that could hurt her." The Doctor smiled as he spoke.
"If you say so." Sam replied, chuckling. This guy was a character...
He motioned to the Impala, which sat gleaming in the sun ahead. "Get in."
As they walked to the car, Sam got out his phone. Pressing speed dial, he reached Dean's voicemail.
"Hey, Dean, I just found something. Meet me at that diner on the corner of First and Main soon as you can. There's somebody you should talk to."
With that, they both got in, speeding away as the engine roared to life.
The ride into town was short, peppered by questions from the Doctor.
"What do you and your brother do, exactly?"
"We hunt things."
"What kind of things?"
"Bad things." Sam sighed.
As much as he wanted to trust this guy, he was still several kinds of uncomfortable revealing the whole I'm-a-hunter thing.
It just never ended well.
"And what would qualify as bad things here in your world?"
"Take your pick: Vampires, ghosts, ghouls. Demons."
"Demons? Fascinating!"
"No. Bad. Demons are evil-"
"Well, evil is subjective! Daleks would call me evil. But, really, I'd say they are. Cold, unfeeling, hateful-"
"Perpetual stick up their asses? Manipulative as hell?" Sam laughed.
"One could say that, although they were really just made that way. Oh, but their grating little voices, too,
'exterminate.' 'Exterminate!'"
"Exterminate what?"
"Everything. But especially humans. Which is why I have to get to them first. They fear me. They call me the Oncoming Storm."
"Huh, some name," Sam chuckled. "So, what, you're a hunter? An alien alien hunter?"
"No, no, not a hunter. I only fight them when I have to. I've...been trying to stay away from the warrior sort of thing. It it doesn't pay. Not when you're as old as I am and have as many enemies. I have to stay in the shadows."
"So you're a wanted man?"
"In a sense, I suppose."
"By who? I've done FBI before. Under the radar sucks. Off the grid-" Sam flashed back to the months of borrowed cars, abandoned buildings, rigged electricity, no hot water... At least Bobby had been with them, then...
"The Silence."
"The what?"
"The Silence. They're a religious order. They want me dead. I break every one of their rules. Mainly that Silence must fall when the question is asked..."
"What question?"
"Sorry, Sam, but I really mustn't tell you."
"What? I can take care of myself, Doc."
"It's Doctor. And, no, I don't really think you could against these. Fighting them nearly ended the universe once. River-oh, well. You don't need to hear anymore about that. It's from my world."
Sam laughed. "You really have no idea what our end's like, either. World damn near ended."
"What was that like?"
Sam flinched at the memories. "Long. Messy. Hell of a lot of good people died."
"Sorry to hear that. I-I've lost people too."
"Friends of yours?"
"The very best. The best people."
They both stopped talking, a knowing silence filling the car. Sam wondered at how he and this man, odd in every way imaginable, this two-hearted stranger, supposedly from another universe, could have so much in common.
They came to a halt in the gravel lot outside a building with a flickering neon sign that read 'The Riverside Diner,' in fluorescent blue and pink.
"River," muttered the Doctor.
"River?" Sam asked. The way he says that….it's like he's thinking of someone, Sam thought.
"She-oh, never mind. It's not….not to do with anything, really."
"She was somebody to you?" Sam replied, feeling all over again the loss of leaving Amelia.
"Yeah. Is, was; it's rather complicated."
"Complicated seems to be a rule for hunters," Sam observed. Complicated? Try impossible, he thought.
"Well, enough sitting around. I'm starving!" declared the Doctor, batting away the grim mood that had fallen over them.
They both got out of the Impala, and made their way towards the diner.
"Say, do you know how the food is here," asked the Doctor.
"No idea. We're not from here, we're just passing through."
"So you're travelers too, then."
"Yeah, guess so," replied Dean, from where he had been waiting, leaning against the wall.
"Sam, who is this guy?" He asked, moving to meet them just outside the door of the restaurant.
"Hello, I'm the Doctor," the Doctor volunteered cheerily, continuing, "And you must be Dean."
"Yeah. Uh, look, I need a minute with my brother," Dean replied, flashing a fake smile, hiding the tenseness underneath.
"Right then. I'll save a table for us," the Doctor replied before pulling open the door and disappeared inside.
Once he was out of earshot, Dean let loose, dropping the front.
"What is it that's so important? And who the hell is this dude?"
"Dean, he's not human."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
I loved Sam's reaction to the Tardis. It was cute. And I also really loved their conversation about hell. It was like *face palm* is this really happening? but the more I thought about it, the more I was like, yeah, that's totally how this would go down. I also loved their conversation about Daleks. Really, I've been loving the dialogue. it's so realistic! I'm seriously impressed with how well you've captured these characters.
I'm assuming this repetition is accidental, and one it needs to be deleted.And Dean is here! And he's being Dean! So fun...
Here are my nitpicks:
Should be a comma instead of a question mark.
This confused me for a minute. I'm assuming they didn't know Dean was there until he spoke? If so, they need to both react to the sound of his voice. Maybe you could even change it to a "A voice said. They looked over where Dean was leaning against the wall.} (I'm sure you can do better, you hopefully you get the idea.)
I'm going to reiterate the need for dialogue tags and some description. You of course don't want to over use either of these things in a story because they'll slow it down too much, but a healthy dose of each is always good for writing. And it keeps people from getting confused about who's speaking. I didn't confused, but that's because I know the characters so well, someone who doesn't might lose track. I would advise just throwing some dialogue tags in every now and then, whenever you really want to emphasize how someone says something and so you could keep us on track. Another thing you can do is follow up dialogue with action. Maybe the doctor puts his feet on the dash, and Sam indicates that he needs to
take them off. Maybe he fiddles with the radio or is obsessively checking his mirrors. maybe the doctor starts pushing buttons... That last one sounds fun. But anyway, giving your characters actions will help break up the dialogue and help us visualize the scene better.
Another thing is to add description. Again, don't overdo it, but a sentence here or there about what things look like, sound like, smell like, feel like...won't mess with the pacing. Something I learned from the wonderful Theresecricket, the more you can use all five of these sentences in the scene, the more vivid your writing becomes and the more you can pull your characters into the story.
And again with a cliff-hanger! I've already fangirled enough so I'm just gonna move on...
the insight you have tried to create on your ability to write good fiction is applaud able. Try and be patient in your build up of progression of your story too. Good work, your dialogue is great too. Kenechukwu. Palm tree in the Forests of ichies
Again, before I continue, I would like to remind you of my lack of knowledge concerning Doctor Who. I can tell that you wrote some more references into the script, but don't worry, these ones fit in easily as mysterious tidbits of information.
)
When I read this, I begin to see new sides to both the Doctor and Sam. Both seem to have let their defenses down somewhat, and begin to open up to each other. Nice job on the expansion of personality.
I noticed that it was easier for me to read, even though I lack even basic knowledge on the topic. That also made the whole thing more enjoyable to me, as I could now focus on the actual plot instead of on the terms.
It may just be my lack of memory as well as knowledge, but I don't recall Sam knowing what Tardis was called. Yet, in the second paragraph, one of his thoughts include the word. Also, if that word is indeed meant to be there, I would still be uncertain as to what tone it is said with. Is Sam thinking it in awe? (By the way, nice description of the insides of Tardis.
I can tell that you made this a little less dialogue orientated than before, but the story is still mostly made up of dialogue. Perhaps you should focus on adding more items such as facial expressions, feelings, and senses and/or editing some unnecessary dialogue. Also, if Sam is a hunter, does he sense anything? Does he have keen eyesight? Impeccable hearing? If so, you could add more of that as well.
Remember Sam's extreme tenseness? Dean seems to have the same problem. I mean, unless Sam had sent him a very worrying message, why shouldn't Dean be just as care-free as Sam looks?
I probably absolutely did not cover everything, and for that, I apologize.
Great job again! I seem to only have found slight, little nitpicks (which is a good thing obviously), so keep doing your best! I hope this helped at least a little.
P.S. (Again, feel free to let me know when your next works are uploaded!)
Keep on writing!
Cheers!